20th Century Up-tick

Fictitious parasite: purportedly a relative of the far less imposing Common Up-tick, but now almost universally regarded as a misidentification.

Originally believers described it’s “unprecedented” near-vertical attitude, and characteristic warning “BOOM!”. Subsequent examination reveals it’s likely to be a Gentle Down-tick that has gorged itself on dates but, finding it cannot process them properly, regurgitates an unordered mess.

This renders it so thin and unrecognisable that observers have trouble telling what it is, and which way it’s pointing.

Bully Goats

Increasingly elderly, tough, semi-domesticated livestock. Kept in line by a single ruthless herds-Mann, they owe their longevity primarily to constantly chewing over the same old cud.

In appearance, dominant Bully Goats can be readily identified, sporting distinctive facial hair (the “goatee”) and a thinning pate.

Behaviourally, Bully Goats are marked by a tremendously stubborn attitude, snorting and defending their ground, and reluctant to concede an inch, no matter how shaky it may be underfoot. Younger examples rarely thrive unless they emulate this behaviour.

On very rare occasions, a member of the herd  (or “Team” to use the proper collective noun) breaks ranks and goes rogue. The rest of the Team refer to this as a “Judith Goat”, claiming it’s aim is solely to lead other Team members to a ruinous end.

Marcott’s Chameleon

Newly discovered species, with a notable ability to generate a loud, colourful, attention grabbing display. However, when challenged, it uses a defensive mechanism that involves silently altering it’s conclusions in an attempt to blend into the background.

Juvenile examples can fall prone to opportunistic infestations of upticks. The uptick is thought to be passed on by contact with other slippery reptiles. This relationship can appear benign – even advantageous – but can be very damaging in the long run.

Lewandowsky’s (r)Egret

Dull grey plumage married with bizarre mannerisms identify this otherwise undistinguished bird.

Prone to indecipherable squawking, it has been caught in the wild ecstatically replying to the echo of it’s own calls.

Fossil records show that the (r)Egret has gradually evolved a longer and more flexible neck, perhaps in response to furious attempts to recurse up it’s own cloaca.

Recent observations indicate that it is a migratory species, in one case taking flight for thousands of miles and coming to rest in comfort in South-West England, prompting speculation it had fouled it’s previous nest.