Hey! Windows Party ™

We’re all aware by now that Microsoft have pushed the boat out with an instructional video, designed to allow sad-cases like ourselves to engage in small-talk and nibbles.

An undeniably useful resource for any IT professional who would otherwise routinely fall short of the standard achieved and expected by all you normal folks out there.

Best of luck with your efforts, but don’t forget to adhere to your EULA:

MICROSOFT SOCIAL EVENT LICENSE TERMS

MICROSOFT WINDOWS 7 LAUNCH PARTY

These license terms are an agreement between Microsoft Corporation (or based on where you live, one of its affiliates) and you. Please read them. They apply to the event named above, which includes any invitation you received and any resultant stains, damage, tearing, traffic cones, makeshift togas or unexpected intercourse. As if any of you sad bastards would get close enough.

By attending this event, you accept these terms. If you do not accept them, do not attend this event. Instead, return to the beginning. You know. When you were 16 and you decided this was interesting. Before the initial thrill of creation was overtaken by a bleak unending round of frustration and social exclusion; when you were young and interested in PEOPLE. When you glanced across at the pretty brown-haired girl with the freckles and she smiled back. Before you started routinely sucking in your gut and trying to hide the soup-stains on your shapeless brown chinos and navy-blue-smart-casual polo shirt. Remember? Oh Jesus Christ. REMEMBER?

You cannot obtain a refund, but feel free to contact Microsoft or the Microsoft affiliate serving your country for information about trying to get one anyway. Our Marketing and Sales Teams can always do with the boost afforded by listening to your sad little problem in your sad little life. Just before they piss off early to that charming beer garden to flirt and laugh in the sunshine.

If you comply with these license terms, you have the “rights” below for each license you acquire.

1. OVERVIEW. These license terms permit organisation and attendance of one event at one location. No events at any other time or location are allowed. Or, let’s be honest, expected.

2. INSTALLATION AND USE RIGHTS. Before you attend the event under a license, you must assign that license to one pokey bedsit or parents attic room.

3. ADDITIONAL LICENSING REQUIREMENTS AND/OR USE RIGHTS.

a. Trial and Conversion. The party is licensed on a trial basis. Your rights to attend the party are limited to the trial period. The length of the trial period is set forth during the activation process, or until 9:30 when no-one has turned up or 10:30 when everyone has gone home.

b. Media Elements and Templates. You may copy and use images, clip art, animations, sounds, music, shapes, video clips and templates provided for the event. If you wish to use these media elements or templates for any other purpose, seek help. Seriously. And what’s that smell?

4. SCOPE OF EVENT. The event is licensed, not sold. This agreement only gives you some rights to attend the event, in some very limited ways. Microsoft reserves all other rights.

You may not

· work around any social awkwardness or lack of humanity in the event

· schedule any further event without express permission (No, that’s not irony. We mean it.)

5. BACKUP PLANS. You may make one backup plan in the event that your event is a non-event. They’re running Buffy from the start again, for instance. Or there’s that Summer Glau fan-fic you squirreled behind the skirting board, under the bed.

6. DOCUMENTATION. Eh? What did you plan on writing about this exactly? And who would you tell it to? You don’t have any friends and you won’t be bearing any progeny. You know it. We know it. So go on, knock yourself out. But if you do, we own it, right?

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LIMITED WARRANTY

A. LIMITED WARRANTY. If you follow the instructions, the event will perform substantially as described in the Microsoft materials that you receive in or with the event. And, believe it or not, that’s the best case scenario

B. TERM OF WARRANTY We’d like to take a bit of time to warn you that you are not covered for hangovers, excessive mirth, lovebites, cat-fights or unwanted pregnancy. Safe ground there we think. You are not covered for despair, loneliness, isolation or the feeling that it could all have been so, so different. We’re not idiots.